That speed bump you didn't expect

“This is abrupt and misleading” is what I whisper is what I think; but I have already said it out loud from the crowd. I am cursing my damn luck as to why the class went silent when my stupid mouth decided to blurt something as random as that is when he turns and he starts looking at me with a ‘how stupid can anyone be’ look on his face! Wait! Is he shouting at me? Ohh, it is just Runy barking; probably at a stranger and so ends my dream of meeting with Mr. Kalyan; most adored director for the local movie making industry. As I drag myself out of bed with a broken dream I notice that it is that same lady again who keeps trying to match me up with a rich NRI guy. She apparently does not care about what kind of person I am interested in marrying, for that matter I don’t think anybody does. Nobody cares or has even asked me what kind of a guy I would like to share my life with but they think all their proposals are straight from the heaven and I can’t get a better guy. In fact, nobody, including me; even knows if I want to marry someone or not. Strange as it sounds, yes, I did never dream of having two kids and living in another land with a handsome rich man. I have always felt content with my darling Runy (my labby dog) and my very own small little family though they annoy me at times.

I find out that this random groom guy is flying to India just to look at his prospective bride and I am one amongst the lucky few of them. He is busy on every other day but the day I have awaited most in my life. After a lot of struggle and convincing I finally made it to this one day workshop in movie direction by Mr.Kalyan. I plead my parents to arrange for the meeting with this guy on some other day but land with the expected futile results and statements like “Any of your thing can wait but your age will not” and “All else other than getting married and settling down should be of less priority”. I am already pestered by all the extended family members and now strangers who think I am ready to get married and now they want to take away the one day I won for myself for a match that is not even made, I say nothing but walk out in frustration with my Runy.

As we walk outside I try to tell Runy how much I went through to get this workshop entry. I always tell Runy my everything, she is like my personal diary with a secret lock. I do not know how much of it she understands but she sure is a good listener.

Finally, the day has arrived and I sneak out of the house before anyone gets up with a note left on the fridge which said “I am going to workshop, will be busy and mobile will be turned off until the workshop is over”. I was not going to give up the dream I have for some person who may or may not like me. I know I am going to have to bear a lot of tantrums once I am back home but I am sure this is worth it as I always lived the most on stage. I love everything about stage, from back stage setup to the audience catcalls or appreciations. Everything about the stage or tape feels like it is in my blood and bones. Although I have lived all my life as planned by my parents including what I do for a living, I cannot certainly let my life pass by and write a book titled ‘The unlived life’.

I have seen people breakup from relations after engagement or even after living with the person for years. I cannot bet my happiness over such things. I am not sure if I will be happy after I am married as I always have loved the time I spend with myself. I have personally witnessed some gruesome endings for the sweet beginnings it had and the stage called marriage seems far from where I want to perform.

Amidst all this confusion I successfully finish the most amazing 8 hours of my life and get back to my gloomy life to get a surprise that the groom had left promising that he would come back tomorrow. Generally, normally the groom with such background feels offended for minute reasons but this guy seems to be too humble for a guy who just faced a stood up arranged date! I am honestly quite excited to see this guy.

I was anticipating that he would turn out to be the guy for me and I hoped for the best. When it is an arranged marriage, there is not much of things you can get to know about a person before you tie the knot, even though that freaks me out I am bound to marry someone in this way. I have accepted my fate long ago as I belong to a conservative Hindu Brahmin family, I am not expected to go out and see people especially men whom I am not married to!

I was up before dawn with a good night’s rest, was fresh as a flower and all decked in my mother’s favorite saree to impress him or rather to impress my mom. Though I do not believe that my love of life is going to appear from heavens in this meeting; I shouldn’t lie, I really felt a connection and was quite delighted to see such a person. I marry him or not, he impressed me quite a bit unlike the many who walked down the road. He was handsome and I wanted to see him again. My mom came in and disrupted my chain of thoughts and said the guy liked you and wants to meet up again before he leaves, if things go well you may end up in the US by the end of this year.

Upon hearing this I was quite excited and was sure that I also wanted to see him again. The meeting went well as expected and I ended up sharing my passion for drama. He sounded supportive and told me that I can enroll into part time classes to be engaged as I would have a lot of time in hand if I end up as a dependent in the US. I felt a little tingling inside me at the thought of marrying him, such a mature person who has already imagined a wife and what could be best for her even when the whole thing is as bleak as a domino arrangement falling.

I got back to my zone as a test engineer at a local startup where I slogged for more hours than what I spent awake in my teens within just one year to earn my livelihood. I escaped many soul crushing conversations with relatives in the name of work, now and before. That is the part and parcel of being in a society as Indian. Everyone is interested in knowing somebody else’s personal life. They find faults with everything and doubt everything alongside of gossiping and spreading rumors that are not even based on logic. Little did I know most of my aunts end up poking my dad for finding out if I was seeing someone behind everyone’s back, I loved them when I was young but now they all seem cruel and of low morals for blaming a girl for no fault of hers. Apparently one of them complained to my mom as she saw me while I got a ride from a male friend to the nearest bus stop from where I work. As per most of them, posting pictures with my friends who are boys is what is making so many grooms reject me, if that is the case be so it. I do not want a guy who feels that I am entitled to him and should not have any interaction with the rest of the world. I do not want a guy who is arrogant to feel that he can have friends while I cannot not do I want the kind who is so introverted that he rules out friendship.

My engagement ceremony was done within a span of two months and I am now about to get married to Shreyas Sharma. I was in love with him, though our entire relationship was on skype. We had our time zone differences and day light saving effects on our relationship, but we still consistently exchanged our day to day whenever we had common wake time. I knew I liked this person now.

What is the point of life if it goes as you plan, this time also there was a hairpin bend when I did not expect it. As we were skyping on a day when I was somewhat tired from the prolonged day I had at work, I get a glimpse of a girl in the background on his bed. For my surprise she has tucked the blanket like a towel and has that fresh as a flower look on her face. I refuse to believe what I just saw and I ask him questions about what is the whole scene. After a drama of fifteen minutes she left his place and after a few seconds of silence which seemed like eternity to me he finally spoke, that it was his girlfriend who was not so serious and nor was he. I was already frustrated by the terrible day of mine and I could not handle anymore, so I decided to handle things at its own pace. I just slept through my hurt that day, I slept over it under it but mostly couldn't sleep thinking that if he can hide something that big when we are engaged; I couldn't stop imagining what all could he hide from me eventually in life. It is honestly a very small thing, he could have told me that she was there and that they were not serious so he broke things off and now is wanting to settle with me. I would have been more trusting and accepting than compared to his erotic encounters thrown at my face this way or sleeping episodes with an another woman when he was engaged to me. He cannot sleep with another woman when he is engaged to me how much ever a fling it is! It is morally wrong. Wrong for that other person and for me too, it is cheating when it is a secret.

It had been a week after that is when I spoke to him again, our big day was close. I couldn't connect with him after what had happened, I just struggled to bring this up with my parents as they were really very happy that I was about to get settled after all the time and energy they put into looking for a groom for me. I couldn't just break their heart nor could I let this man into my life who broke my heart for no reason. I felt that he just broke my trust without even considering the fact that he is engaged now and engagement means commitment. I was no fling but he did not give up on his fling even when he was with me, or maybe she satisfied him so much. I had doubts if I could match up with her passion or whatever that is that made it more important for my man to lay with her.

I spent another week thinking of all this is when I considered going for medical help. I booked an appointment with a local therapist and cried my heart out in front of her. I came back having similar conflicts in my head, to tell my parents or just sweep things under the rug or end this and start afresh. After those medical sedatives kicked in I slept like a dead woman after weeks and only after getting quite a bit of rest and being calm for a while, I realized that I am thinking of my past and my future but right now in my present this man has hurt me, disrespected me and the relationship he has/had with me. At this point there is some sanity in my thought and I realize spouse is about the future and I cannot take a chance to go with someone because the society sees me as the reason as well as the victim of the broken engagement. I cannot walk by that man through thick and thin because my parents heart will be broken. I knew I had to protect my heart and only my heart now and if I just do that, things will fall in place. What is the worst that could happen if I break this engagement? I could stay alone for my life, I do not have a problem with that as I am an emotionally and financially independent woman. I can spend my time with meaningful people in meaningful ways than having a life of regrets. Yes, I already regret saying yes to this man and was almost in love with him without even having him known for about a year. It was partly my fault and I also blame the system. I cannot sleep with someone before getting married to him nor can I date him. We are okay if two people are unhappy throughout their rest of lives or we are even okay to break marriages if things turn worst but we cannot let our daughters see the other side of men. We have twenty minutes to decide if we are going to be the labor in the unwritten bond called marriage whose chance of success is based on gana (matching kundlis) which no layman understands. If the Pundit is paid well, there is quite a chance that all stars may align in such a way that it ends up as a blissful marriage. I am not saying all of Pundits are dishonest, but looking at our society/ looking at my own family I know that we are dishonest. Pundits or anyone is gullible to bribe here, how many times my mother claimed my age to be below 5 just to avoid buying an adult ticket for me as a kid. How many times we are asked to lie from our own parents to the very people we love! Greatly our epic Bhagawadgeetha says that "Na bhruyat satyam apriyam"- do not speak the truth that is not good to hear. I do not know what Lord Krishna meant but I know he taught an entire religion that hiding truth is okay. Wow, and I have to assume that it is all for my best and jump in it. There is no wonder if a guy brought up in similar society is ready to build a relationship based on a bed of hidden secrets.

We are morally wrong when we lie about any small thing. We need moral lessons not engineering or math. We need to learn to respect laws and other people. I cannot live with this man and I knew it. Hell with the world, I don't care. I do not like this man anymore and I am declaring that I am breaking it up. I know I have to go through literal hell when I do this, but I have to do this and I owe it to myself. I can earn back the money spent on engagement and I can take the embarrassment of half the invitation cards sent out when I had to call each of them and say it is cancelled. I can take the catcalls & gossips of aunties but I cannot take a lying person as my husband. Everybody lies but I appreciate honesty. I can forgive cheating on me only if the man comes out of it clean but in this case he was still cheating on me and if I married him I had no proof to believe that he would stop seeing her. I cannot just enter an unhappy marriage by choice. I did it, I broke it up and did not answer any calls for the next month. I went solo tripping in Andaman where I cried into the ocean. By staying lonely and calm for a month I had enough strength to show my face to the world again. I had come back to work and had taken down my sweet pictures from facebook. I expected some rudeness or whispers behind my back but thankfully, at least at my workplace they did not harass me. They were supportive and my manager even made sure that I had no burden on me for at least two weeks. My trust in people was gained back.

After having spent quite some time in seclusion, I was addicted to it. I had a lot of time for myself and lot less complaints from my life when I lived in Andaman. I decided to take a year off for my sake. I decided to take a year off for all those career goals that I wanted to pursue but was too busy looking at worthless grooms. I gathered up the courage to declare this out to my parents. I looked them in the eye and said I want to spend a year by myself and no one else is allowed in my life except me. I convinced them after a lot of difficulty and I packed my bags and rented out another space close to my office.